If only

In a perfect world it'd all work out. I wouldn't find it so difficult to say the things I need to, I'd be able to articulate myself in a manner that was intelligent. I wouldn't be dismissed as the sweet, quiet girl who doesn't have an opinion or a boyfriend. I would have a part time job like everybody else, and be halfway to affording the cost of a car. I wouldn't be so self conscious of smiling at people who aren’t my close friends. I wouldn't avert eye contact with people who I look up to or admire. I would have more friends and spend my weekends socialising with people. I would have a better taste in music. I would have the kind of hair that is long, sleek and has even the model look-a-likes envious. I would be cultured and have travelled to continents far and wide. I would be taller and have longer legs. I would be good friends with that cute older guy from the above year level. I would live closer to my school and be able to walk home. I would put my hand up in every class and share my views with everyone. I would never be rejected by organisations who don't like what I have to offer. I wouldn't have any blemishes or pale skin. I would be good enough to make my father proud without having to work my arse off. I would measure up to, and exceed all of my teacher's expectations of me. I wouldn't have guys who I don't like chasing after me. I would be involved in more extracurricular activities. I would know what to say when someone pokes fun at my appearance or way of doing things. I would actually get responses from people when I inbox or text them. I would have a natural athletic ability. I would be able to convey my feelings for someone without pushing them away or ignoring them. I would have taken all the opportunities that were available to me back when I was younger. I would still be close to all those people I was once best friends with. I would have enough time to keep a scrapbook and sort through all those photos that are jumbled. I would know what I want and how to get there. I would have a blog that got more publicity. I would get more likes on my facebook photos. I wouldn't have to wear glasses or orthotics. I wouldn't care what others thought of me or be afraid of myself.
But this isn't a perfect world. I find myself lost for words a lot of the time which makes me seem awkward. I am often ignored in conversations for the "naive and boring" personality I am perceived to have by others. I've never had a boyfriend. Or a job. Or a savings account. I don't smile at people who aren't my close friends because I think my smile is ugly. I don’t make eye contact because I have bad eyesight and can’t see them, and they probably wouldn’t look back. I spend my weekends lounging around reading and listening to music. I have frizzy hair that takes forever to grow. I have only been overseas once and don’t know much about the world. I have only spoken to the cute older guy on facebook, and he thinks I’m a bitch. I live the furthest away from all my friends and have to drive far to visit them. I hardly ever make a peep in class for fear of being judged. I have pretty average looking skin. I have to run myself into the ground to meet my father’s expectations. I have all the wrong guys pursuing me. I am only involved in one thing outside of school. I have no clue how to respond with witty comebacks and more often than not stay quiet. I never get responses from people when I need it most. I am not coordinated or athletic. I often push people away and make it hard for them to get through. I missed opportunities to make a difference and now they no longer are on offer. I barely have enough time or the motivation to do the things I want to do. I have a blog where the only views are my own. I get likes from relatives and close friends on facebook, which makes about five per photo. I have poor eyesight and flat feet. I worry about how others see me and let that get to me.
If only things were different...

Reasons to be Happy

1)      Sleeping in until eleven on the holidays, with nowhere you have to be. Snuggling deep under the covers even when the sun is already out and allowing yourself to just lie there.

2)      Assembling a piece of furniture (like a bookcase for your room), or putting something together on your own, feeling the satisfaction that it looks the way it does because of your effort.

3)      Watching a movie on a Friday or Saturday night with your family, one that turns out to be really good, even when you didn’t expect it to be. 

4)      Posting a blog post, discovering a week later that someone out there really liked it and has written a nice comment about you writing, which makes you feel appreciated and worthy.

5)      When you master a really difficult hairstyle like a side chignon or you find a ribbon in the perfect shade to match your hair. Having a good hair day is one of the best feelings.

6)      Eating your favourite meal. The yoghurt, cranberry and oats snack in the afternoon, tortellini with vegies, an olive/tuna/lettuce/tomato wrap, coconut biscuits, strawberry milkshake, chocolate hedgehogs, tacos, chocolate Bavaria cake...the list goes on. Trying something new like a falafel wrap or salmon and sushi is quite rewarding also when it turns out to be the best thing you have ever tasted! Cooking a meal and eating it can be a fun experience, too.

7)      Random acts of kindness. Like when a random holds the door open for you, or a stranger waves at you or smiles.

8)      Retail therapy is a serious mood-booster. There is nothing nicer than buying some decorations for your room or a new arty magazine. What’s better than that is when you try on a dress or playsuit or outfit that you like and it fits perfectly, so you buy it and it becomes your favourite piece in your wardrobe. Or you find that item you have been looking everywhere for, and when you find it is in your affordability range.

9)      Unintentionally taking a really good photo that is very photography-magazine-worthy. When everything turns out better than expected, it can lighten up your day.

10)   Receiving reassurance from medical professionals, like the optometrist, that your eyesight hasn’t gotten any worse. Or the news that your braces are coming off soon. Receiving good news in general is great.

11)   Spending the afternoon making art, whether it be a collage, a canvas covered in fabric for your room.

12)   Rediscovering bags or clothes that you didn’t know you had during a wardrobe cleanout, which means now that you can use them and don’t need to spend money on new ones.

13)   Coming up with a brilliant idea. Or being inspired after reading an interesting book.

14)   Watching a TV show that you don’t normally watch for something different like Supernatural or the Big Bang Theory.

15)   Playing tennis in the backyard with a sibling and talking about funny people from school in the process. Not only does it helps you digest after dinner and is good exercise, it provides a distraction and is fun.

16)   Acing an exam that you studied really hard for or getting the highest mark in the grade or having the teacher tell you that you got the first ten out of ten for your essay this year.

17)   Just lounging around the house, discussing memories and jokes with your family, who always make you feel good.

18)   When that guy in the year level above you who you have a super massive thcrush on actually turns to look directly at you as you are coming out of the locker room at the end of the day, and you share about three seconds of eye contact, then, out of the corner of your eye you see him look at you again from over his shoulder. Basically, when the guy you like actually notices you it is the best feeling in the world.

19)   Having a really productive day where you finish all of your homework in a short period of time, freeing up the days ahead.

20)   Building up the courage to make a phone call with someone really important like a work experience coordinator or reporter for the ABC who is the daughter of your dad’s friend. Facing your fears is a good feeling.

21)   Public holidays or curriculum days where there is no school and you have the whole day to yourself.

22)   Playing a really good game of sport or doing a really good presentation in front of your class and having everyone tell you how impressed they were.

23)   Getting lost in a really good book or finishing an entire book in just one Saturday.

24)   Discovering a new innovation or improving how something you already owns works/looks – like adding charms to a bracelet, fixing a broken DIY necklace,

25)   Exercising just for the sake of it, such as rollerblading in the backyard or doing a mini “beep test” in the backyard to keep fit

26)   Coming across a really cool-looking picture to cut out and add to your collection of cut-outs.

27)   Feeling genuinely happy and content. Being in one of those moods where you simply cannot get mad and all you want to do is dance Interpretively around your house.

28)   Having a family day out at somewhere like Fairfield Boathouse, followed by dinner at La Porchetta. Sunshine=tan, rowing+walking=exercise, boat getting caught in a plant=laughs, restaurant=eating.

29)   Making a new friend through pactivities like school production or hockey, and eventually spending a day out shopping with them or going over to their house and watching Harry Potter or sorting chocolates on their bed (hiding them when her mum comes in).

30)   Going for a walk around the block or walking to the library to clear the head after being stuck inside all day. Plus you get some good reads!

31)   Talking to those people in your grade one PE lesson who you don’t usually talk with and realising that they are actually pretty funny.

32)   Making lots of progress on a massive project, like, having a really productive two hours of work or something like that and getting more than you expected done.

33)   Learning something new after reading a book you bought ages ago, but never rgot around to reading. Or while reading a school textbook, only to realise that it contains info regarding something you are interested in. Makes you feel really intellectual.

34)   Using big words to express yourself when casually chatting with friends. Then they think you are pretty smart.

35)   Getting a sample face mask or perfume in a show bag, trying it, and realising that it actually works wonders or smells delicious, so you buy it on sale and now it is yours.

36)   Being ahead of schedule for school work, so you don’t have to do homework that night, or you have the rest of the period to play "Where’s Wally?" On the teacher’s iPad. Or sleep.

37)   Looking back through family albums and remembering back to how things were all those years ago. Or finding a really cute picture that you can actually photo copy and pin up or use for your school autobiography.

38)   When you look in the mirror and realise your skin looks clear today and you don’t have any blemishes.

39)   Socialising with someone you haven’t spoken to in ages.

40)   Receiving a really nice text from a friend, which shows that they care or where they wish you luck or thank you for an amazing present.

41)   Having a burst of energy or silliness or something like that which makes you want to get up and do a dance in your PJs in the morning to a song, or speaking in a silly voice while making up Italian pasta names.

42)   Singing to the radio or songs on your iPod while working on a project (eg. making artwork for your room).

43)   Having a really good lunchtime with your friends where you make up a new inside joke to laugh at.

44)   When your teacher is away and they didn’t set any work for you, so you get two free periods to spend making collages on Polyvore or catching up on other homework.

45)   Not getting any homework for the night. Not getting any holiday homework. Not having to do work outside of school hours.

46)   The relief when your period finishes.

47)   Being complimented on your outfit or hairstyle by the guy you like. Actually, jsut being complimented in general is nice. As is getting more likes on your profile picture than expected.

48)   Finding something at the shops that you have been looking for since forever.

49)   Making it into the highest maths group or onto a sports team after putting in heaps of time to practice.

50)   Discovering a new interest, hobby, food or band that you can claim as your own and appeals to you.

51) Finally making a decision which turns out to be the right one.

52) When it's your birthday and people remember and make you feel really special or sing to you.

53) Going on an overseas holiday to New Zealand with your family and having the time of your life. Travelling is what makes life worth living.

54) Seeing something beautiful take place. Watching a strawberry plant blossom, fireworks, seeing someone immersed in their musical instrument, admiring artwork, seeing an echidna or rare animal in your front yard, rainbows after a sun shower.

55) Discovering that you've lost weight even though you didn't do any out-of-the-ordinary exercise.

56) Helping other people, whether it be something small like assisting a friend with the computer, helping your parents with chores to reduce their workload, or even just visiting your lonely grandparents, helping others makes you feel good.

57) Seeing re-runs of your favourite TV Show or turning on the TV to realise that your favourite movie is on.

58) Setting a goal and pulling through with it to prove to yourself that you are capable of achievement.

59) When somebody younger than you tells you that you have inspired them.

60) Seizing the day and making the most of the time you have.

Complexities

Confused by it all
unable to comprehend
what is going on

Confused by what they say
what they are
what they do

Confused by what they want
what they mean
what they expect

Confused with who I am
what I want to be
where I am going

Confused with what it all means
what it amounts to
what it is all for

Confused with where I am at
where to go from here
what comes next

Confused about the future
the unknown
these things I don’t understand

Confused about the way it works
why it works the way it does
why it’s all so complex

We live in a complicated world
that is too intricate
to be understood

Moving into the real world

I had a dream the other night. I dreamt that I was in a huge, warehouse-like furniture store. I was with my sister and we were looking at those bedroom sets which are on display and give you the impression that for a moment you actually live there. We sauntered along from one “room” to another, admiring the various furnishings and carvings in the wood. Taking a wrong turn, I found myself in an area different to the previous one I had been standing in; this time there were chests of drawers and lampshades. Poking out of one of the draws was a pair of blue boxer shorts that had an odd triangle design sewn into them. My intuition told me that I had to seek out a sales assistant to cut along the perimeter of the triangle. So I went in search of a person who bore the furniture stores’ logo, and I requested that she help me to complete the task that was required of me. That’s when realised that I was the only customer in the store, for as I turned around to look at my surroundings, there were sales assistants and store workers everywhere, going about their jobs and being useful, while I stood there like a lump, every passer-by failing to notice me. That’s when I woke up.

The images conjured in our minds during the course of our sleep are said to resemble how we feel in our waking life, or that they have some kind of connection to it somehow. Being the incredibly analytical person that I am, more often than not I find myself coming out of my dream state with an extreme curiosity at what I just saw. What I think my furniture store dream represents is my underlying desire to work. Sometimes I feel as though I am cruising through my teenage years, going shopping and looking at art deco and what not, while others my age are slaving away in shops all over the place, earning money to pay for their future car and so they can independently purchase goods with their own savings, rather than relying on their parents like me. The sales assistants that were all around me in my dream represented these people, moving into the adult world, as I stood where I was, not even attempting to break out of the comforts of parental assistance when it comes to money.

Why does it seem like I am the only fifteen year old out there without a job? Whenever I’m in a public place that has shops about, I am forever noticing customers being served by someone who goes to high school, or worse, looks even younger than me – one of those fresh-faced fifteen year olds' in year nine who has their birthday before everyone else.  Most of my friends work, using their own bank cards to pay for clothes and food on those outings we go on together. On one occasion a friend of mine even gasped when I produced a $50 note from my cash-filled purse to pay for some sushi. “Wow, how much money do you earn Simone?” was her response. Awkwardly enough, I had to inform her that the money was given to me by my parents to pay for today, where she gave me a look of disapproval, obviously objecting the spoilt-little-girl thing I appeared to have going on with my parents. Not that I am spoilt. I mean, in our household we use our own money to pay for things. Like, whenever I receive Christmas or birthday money, my parents record it under my name, and whenever me or my sister buy new perfume or clothes, that amount is deducted from the original amount. Though when you compare me to the friend who has her own savings account, where she can deposit her hard-earned wages into, my situation with money looks pretty pathetic, really.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to work and make money, in fact, I’m looking into applying for a job, to add another extracurricular activity to keep my schedule full. The thought that keeps crossing my mind though, is what if I’ve left it too late? What happens if all of the places I apply to have no jobs on offer and reject me? What if I am forever unemployed for the rest of my life because I failed to kick-start my career when I was fifteen? I know, I’m overreacting. But seriously. Let’s put this into perspective here. People are forever quitting casual and part time jobs, so a vacant position is bound to come up sooner or later. If I do get rejected, then I’ll try someplace else, no big deal.

Neither of my parents had jobs when they were my age. Both entered the workforce as adults, studying part time in their early twenties – and look at them now. My mum managed to afford a unit after saving for years, right? Hopefully I’ve inherited her money-managing ways. And realistically speaking, there are others out there, who are even older than me in year eleven and twelve, who don’t have jobs. That doesn’t make them any less of a person. Maybe they don’t have time and already have their plates full? There is no written rule that you have to work when you are fifteen. Anyway, if I don’t finish this post soon, all of the job vacancies out there really will disappear. Reality, here I come...

These things don't just happen

Sometimes things happen to us which make us wonder “Since when was my life a movie?”  I’m talking about those moments that have only existed as of now in your head, fantasies which you can dream about and have complete control over how wonderfully perfect they play out.  An occurrence like the above moments happened to me today, but definitely not the way I saw it in my own mind.  It was ridiculously scary how it came to be. So it’s an ordinary school lunchtime, I’m casually pacing the school with close friends, bump into other friends and decide to sit with them instead – it’s a common practise. Nonchalantly striking up conversation about classes we’re taking and outings we’ve been on when our conversation is directed down the way of my undying love for a certain person. Seems like the whole class knows by now, the way I get hysterical if he even makes eye contact with me. I’m so childish. Must learn to master the art of confidence and learn to have a friendly presence among those I meet. Like him I suppose, with his gentle nature and golden hair, the way he wears his shorts and tie...moving on with my recount.
We’re laughing about how awkwardly psyched I can get when he is around, when a familiar glint of gold appears in the corner of my eyes. OH MY GOSH! He is in the vicinity, keep breathing, act normal, don’t make it obvious you’re ogling his athletic physique, but wait – are those words coming out of his mouth being directed our way? Regaining control of my brain, my ears are telling me yes. He repeats himself.“Hey, girls, can you please get our ball over there?” Huh? Oh right, the ball he was using to oh-so-athletically play down ball with on the courts which I was briskly looking over to before. One of my friends gets to her feet, abruptly stopping herself to kindly point out that I should be the one who returns his ball. Managing to uncoordinatedly stand, I realise my left leg has fallen asleep and a rush of prickly blood flows down my left side, paining me. Attempting to motion over to where he patiently leans on the fence, I’m unable to make eye contact, hobbling like a crippled person at a snail’s pace. I’ve made it to the garden bed, yet are failing to notice any ball contained within the leafy undergrowth. “Where is it? Oh, I see it...is that it?” I squeak. My voice is caught in my throat and barely audible to my own ears. The inability to meet his blue eyes is still upon me and I collect the ball from the plants, standing up on the stone wall that encloses the flower bed. I extend my arm to throw the ball, probably higher than necessary and incredibly close to the fence, and it just makes it over. Damn short genes.
 Overcome by shock at how close I have come to this handsome boy, I immediately jump back onto the path and scurry back to where my friends are sitting, or more like hunched over, heaving for breath between red-faced bursts of laughter. I make out the sound of his voice behind me “Thanks, girls!” (He has such manners) followed by the patter of his feet back to his own mates. As I began to comprehend what took place in the last few minutes that lunchtime, my head fell into my hands with utter embarrassment and awkward shame. I can only assume how shocked I would have appeared before my crush, as my friends failed to watch on, simply too choked by the unrealistic hilarity of it all. How did I not even look at him? Where did my conversational small talk voice go? Why hadn’t I at least smiled at the irresistible one? Regret filled me as I overanalysed that scene over and over in my mind for the rest of the afternoon. Even sitting here, writing this, I think of what an impression I could have made. If only in those split seconds I behaved normally. Or perhaps it is in my personality to transform into the ultimate derp whenever a gorgeous guy is around. Who knows? Looks as though I have a lot of practice to do until fate decides we shall meet again. Whenever that is.

Learning the hard way

So they say if you make a mistake you learn from it, but what happens when it isn’t your fault or out of your control? Is it the balance of the universe, that in order for good things to happen to you, you have to experience the bad things too?  Yesterday, a terrible accident occurred. It saw me howling with grief in a messy pile on the floor, at the loss of my past two weeks of photos taken on my camera. Long story, short: sister and I took artistic photos, I let sister look at camera, sister presses some buttons, camera deletes all photos, including precious pictures taken with relatives who we only see once a year, days spent with friends and photography I had taken. Has there ever been a moment when you’ve lost hours worth of work on a computer, and a sudden wave of frustration combined with anger coupled with sadness mixed with utter disappointment surges through you, and at a loss for words, you cry your eyes out. Maybe I was just overreacting when I wailed over my lost photos, but the knowledge that all that time setting up scenes for pictures had gone to waste, that I would never again have a frozen memory of that day with friends and I kept on thinking “How could she have been so stupid as to press the delete button?! You have to go through like, three different stages to do that!” After finally getting a grip back on reality, I reminded myself that I am powerless to do anything about it, and the pictures are irretrievable. All I could do was move on. A hint of guilt snuck its way into my conscience and told me that there are billions of starving people out there who are struggling to feed themselves, never having even seen a camera, and I was a disgrace to society for whining about some deleted images that could always be taken again, another time. What was the lesson in this? Don’t ever let somebody else use your camera? Always set protection on your favourite photos so they cannot be deleted? Upload photos regularly so they can’t be lost? Life’s a bitch? I'm guessing all four.
Why do things work out the way they do? I could blame karma for what happened, that squashing that bug to its death has finally caught up with me and what goes around comes around. I could blame my sister’s short attention span or inability to work a camera. I could blame the “Camera software recovery program” for not being able to retrieve my lost images. Yet, perhaps it was no ones fault, and I am not being punished for my wrongdoings. Maybe we don’t need to understand why bad things happen in this world, maybe they just befall us and we have to accept them, deal with them and move on. It could be a test of character. What still baffles me though, is that no matter how much preparation or effort goes into something, there will always be a chance that it won’t work out, and failure is always a possibility. I had been planning the photo shoot for weeks in advance and my sister is the technology whizz of the family, yet still, what happened, happened and the photo shoot did not go ahead. Disturbances will interrupt how things turn out, obstacles block our way and when you think you know everything about a person, they will always turn around and do the complete opposite of what you expected.
For some reason, whenever I really, really want something to happen, thinking and wishing and hoping for it - it avoids me. When I've given up hope on it, stopped believing in it, what do you know? The one time it isn’t on my mind,  it happens. You thought that if you work hard you will be rewarded? You will. But not when you think you will, as nothing is for certain. You know what I think? The only thing that is for certain, is change.

Holidays are here

We are in the midst of the best time of the year. In case you didn’t know, I am referring to that period of six weeks that precedes the four tedious school terms each year, the time of year for endless days of sleeping in, chowing down on summer fruit and leftover Christmas food, giving your bedroom a much-needed makeover, watching repeats of Degrassi and Friends that you didn’t get to see during the year and getting away with days spent doing nothing. Yes, the summer holidays are indeed the most enjoyable, more so than the two week breaks between school terms. They last long enough for you to rest rejuvenate, but they simply don’t allow you to get all those things that need doing, done. What frustrates me about the two week break is that, lasting only a fortnight, you have enough time to relax and complete all of the holiday homework you were given in preparation for the coming term, but by the time you have recuperated, the holidays are over and you miss the chance to fix your broken earring and knit that stuffed animal you planned on making to liven up your bookshelf. The benefits of the summer holidays is that you get what I refer to as “The four stages” – to veg out, clean out, fly out and accomplish inner peace.

The first stage describes the first two weeks that mark the beginning of the best time of the year, where you get to sit in your pyjamas on the couch all day reading, sleep all afternoon, post blogs complaining about lack of motivation, or waste time watching daytime shows like The Doctors at lunchtime, munching on chocolates with high sugar content that weren’t consumed during the Christmas festivities. In the second stage, or the weeks following expansive episodes of inactivity, your body feels the need to move, and your motivation returns. You actually manage to use a sweltering night unable to sleep to sort through your school papers that have occupied a corner of your room since exams, coated in a nice layer of dust and resembling a “before” shot of a bedroom makeover. Naturally being quite an organised person, I have a tendency to enter a frenzy of sorting, where I lose all sense of time, preoccupied with the nature of my untidy room, the grotty garage shelf, the cupboard that won’t close.
By the time all of the cleaning has been completed, with outings among friends and days of shopping in between those of tidying, the time has come for the much anticipated family holiday overseas. What can I say? Two weeks in New Zealand takes oneself away from the troubling realities of home life in Australia (what I mean is the knowledge that the days of freedom are limited from here on in), and the sights, sounds and tastes of a foreign country make for a memorable adventure. Upon return from the land of the kiwis, your to-do list has halved in size, with the burden of returning to headache-inducing homework and hot afternoons of long car trips looming like an image that won’t leave you, it hits home that only a week remains to finish the bedroom art you started and to label all of your school books for the year.
At this current point in time, I am in the final days of stage two, preparing for the trip of the year, having completed the majority of cleanouts that need to be done, but suffering from holiday burnout, which is ironic since breaks are supposed to relieve you of the stress a full-on schedule brings. Even so, it is the kind of self-satisfaction-sense-of-accomplishment burnout that makes me feel okay about slaving away late at night, designing the layout of art for my bedroom, because hey, this opportunity only comes around once a year.